Dear future me,
This is so weird,
thinking about you (me) reading this when you're really old, about forty-five
or something, and a world famous author. Actually it's blowing my mind! Haha,
so freaky. Sorry, I'm a bit stoned. Am I? Yes, definitely. Last time it turned
out I'd been ripped off, but the weird thing was I totally felt high. That's
psychology. I have some very interesting theories about psychology and I'm
going to write a book about them. But you already know that. How did it turn
out? Probably a bestseller. Anyway, I hope you're stoned when you read this, because
that will be so weird for you. Which brings me to my first piece of advice:
STAY HIGH.
I can't imagine
you'll ever allow a day to pass without smoking weed but I just want to remind you:
it's what got you where you are today. Since I started doing it two months ago my
literary output has been off the scale. It's opened the doors of my perception
(in the egregious words of Aldous Huxley) and unleashed a veritable torrent,
cascade, or cornucopia, if you will, of awesome sci-fi, fantasy and horror
genre classics that are sure to be snapped up by a publisher. As you know, I'll
never do other drugs. Although I may try cocaine, just once. It's so cool to
think that when you read this you won't have to worry about our parents finding
your stash.
NEVER REWRITE.
Apparently some
writers need to do a lot of rewriting, but I'm not that type of writer, and
neither will you be. Rewriting destroys the authenticity of your spontaneous
inspiration. And where do you stop? Example: I was up nearly all night last
night writing 'Behind the Beyond', the fourteenth volume of my 'DoomSlaughter
Empire Quantum Quest' dark fantasy series. I only managed fifty thousand words,
but they were all pretty good. However, this morning I looked at what I'd
written and started to make some changes. I was doing it for, like, hours! Waste of time. My tip: don't
reread what you've written, that way you won't have to rewrite it.
CHOOSING A
PUBLISHER.
There are a ton of
publishers out there, and I'm trying to decide which one I should allow to
publish me. Now that you're a rich and famous author you've probably changed your
publisher a few times. I can understand that. But never compromise your
principles, okay? Always be with a publisher that shares your values: authenticity,
spontaneity, and getting high.
AGENTS.
According to some
people a writer should have an agent. But I'm pretty sure that's a rumour
spread by agents. Forget about it. I mean, why would you allow someone to take
a percentage of your money just for… doing what, exactly? I don't get it.
Sounds like a scam to me. So please, never employ an agent, no matter how many
of them beg you.
MONEY.
Talking of money,
please don't let money change you. Now you're phenomenally wealthy it must be a
temptation to splash out on another house in Goa, or that unnecessary third
Ferrari. Resist it. Always spare a thought for those less fortunate than you. In
fact, I suggest you give away a certain percentage of your income. But not to
an agent! (Joke. As you can see, I'm currently exploring the use of humour in
my writing, to enhance the rich, varied and awesomely broad texture of my
oeuvre.) Anyway, bottom line: don't get obsessed with money, like my parents.
All they talk about is how much it's going to cost to send me to university.
Yeah, right, like I'm going to university. Why would I study literature for
three years when I'm already creating it? I feel it would only dilute my
natural gift. I haven't told them about this decision yet, and I'm waiting
until I've sent some of my stuff to a publisher next week. It may take the
publisher a few days to read it and get back to me, but as soon they offer me
an advance I'll tell my parents about the university thing, and then I'll
probably buy them a house or something. I hope you always retain my true generosity
of spirit, future me, and never forget your humble middle-class origins and
your family, even though they can be massive dicks.
SEX.
Writers are
naturally endowed with great sexual allure and charisma, and I expect a famous author
like you is pretty much irresistible to women. But you're probably still married
to Sarah. Unless she dies in some kind of tragic accident, perhaps leaving you
with an adorable baby daughter who reminds you of her so much that you resist
the attentions of all the other women who'll want to marry you as a result of
your tragic back story and virile yet tender parenting skills, then eventually you marry
the hottest one. Meanwhile you will transmute the leaden weight of your grief
into the golden prose of transcendence in an irresistibly poignant but also life-affirming
memoir. Whatever. But since I had full actual sex with Sarah, three weeks ago,
I haven't thought about anyone else, even when I'm masturbating, so I think I
love her. Apparently men masturbate less as they get older, but you'll obviously
still want to do it, even though you're having sex with Sarah several times a
day, provided she's still alive. But whenever she's not around, try to restrict
yourself, and don't masturbate more than five times a day, maximum.
That's all.
Looking forward to
being you!
