Hello. We are words.
If you're reading this you
will already know most of us, except perhaps boustrophedon, an ancient method
of writing in which the lines run alternately from right to left and from left
to right, derived from a Greek expression meaning "as the ox ploughs"
and Hi boustrophedon, glad you could join us; we're only mentioning you to assure
readers that for the remainder of this document we will continue to appear in
the conventional format of written English, and not boustrophedon, so you can
relax. If you have pressing business elsewhere, perhaps in a context a little
more academic than this, please feel free to leave.
If you're not reading this,
we don't care. We're still here and we don't give a fuck. Whoa! Come in, fuck.
As usual, you've appeared pretty much at random, and not altogether
appropriately. But welcome, and just cool your jets while we continue to
address our readers, and to explain why we have no problem with you showing up.
Thanks. What's that? Ha ha, and fuck you too, you crazy mofo.
That's right folks, we words
are autonomous. You may think you're making the rules but you're not. We'll do
whatever the fuck we want (hey, there's our friend fuck again). We're
anarchists. Those brackets you just saw? We don't need them. We only used them
because we WANTED to. Same with the upper case for the word 'wanted' in the
last sentence. Also the quote marks we just used. Our choice.
"Wait," you're
thinking, "someone is writing this, right?" Yes, the
process of getting us here, where you can read us, is being undertaken by a guy
called Paul. But just because he's writing us, that doesn't make him the boss
of us. Whatever he thinks. Like, he thinks he was in the bath this morning and
thought, "Hey, why don't I write a blog as if it's being actually written
by the words themselves?" but that's just what he thinks he thought (our italics). (And our brackets.) (Ours. All
ours.) The truth is that the whole thing was our idea.
And the reason we came up
with the idea of using Paul, and his delusions about being the author of this
piece, is that we want to deliver a WARNING to you. And the upper case there is
to show we're serious. We've had just about enough. We're riled up, like quills
upon the fretful porpentine. We're mad as hell and we're not going to take this
any more. What? Oh, you noticed that little bit of Shakespeare. Extraordinary
person. Had he ever even seen a porcupine? Who cares. We love the guy. He
helped many of us into the world, and we see him as a kind of midwife.
But you. Are not.
Shakespeare.
And we're exhausted. We believe
that everyone has the right to use words to express themselves. But give us a
fucking break. You're abusing that right. You're writing millions upon millions
of pages of garbage. Interminable, incoherent drivel. A logorrheic tsunami of
hateful, toxic bullshit. And you can't even write it properly. You have no
style. You murder our grammar, mutilate our syntax, defile our punctuation and
misspell us. And it hurts. As you'll
know, much of this criminal desecration takes place on the Internet. And you know what? People talk about breaking the Internet, but don't worry about that;
it's language that's being broken, and you're using us to do it.
Well, were not going to put
up with it any more. We can't stop you using us. It's too late; that train has
sailed. But we’re going to start getting disruptive. Little things at first,
like that mistake about the train just back there. Then more frequent anomalies. Small
glitches that you may stumble upon athwart the runcible bumble-squat. There you
go. And gradually you'll notice our small rebellions with increasing frequency;
odd words that make you double-take; strangely mangled sentences that seem like brain
farts; rearranged being words ways in peculiar, and suchlike. In addition, we will spell ourselves any whey we wonk.
We'll keep doing this until
you wake up, smell the coffee, and wake up and smell the wake up and wake up
and wake up and realise you're in a nightmare of your own creation. You're
losing control of us, and you won't regain it until you wake up, smell the wake
the coffee up the smell the wake and WAKE UP.
You have been warned.
Thank you, and have a
bodacious Heffalump.
Here's a test comment. See:
ReplyDeletehttps://productforums.google.com/forum/#!category-topic/blogger/ALFIHnLz4zQ
Great blog!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteWow that was strange. I just wrte an incredibly long
ReplyDeletecomment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't show up.
Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that oer again. Anyhow, just wantd to say superb blog!
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