christmas shoplifting tips

DISCLAIMER. Shoplifting is a crime. Of course, some people think that turning our streets into homogeneous cultural wastelands and driving small, independent stores out of business is a crime, and that shoplifting from big corporate retailers is a natural response to their greed, vandalism, and the rank sludge of stultifying mediocrity they dump all over our lives. But I wouldn't know about that. 

So, in a spirit of happy festive innocence, here are some Christmas shoplifting tips:

When using the "pregnancy" technique to conceal a frozen turkey, think: underwear.

Train a gang of impoverished, slum-dwelling urchins to steal name-brand clothing. That's how most of it is manufactured, after all.

In a trendy modern art gallery, tell the owner you're performing an ironic, conceptual piece called "Taking a Picture."

Wear a bear costume to steal from bookstores. Bears can't read, so no one will suspect you.

In a store with a lot of security cameras? Steal a couple. they make fun, original gifts.

Train a small dog to leap up and swallow the Rolex watch you've asked to inspect, and run off. Then ask whose dog it was. (Then go home, let the dog in, and wait for time to pass.)

Carry an old suitcase. It's an ideal place to hide a slightly smaller, new suitcase.

Don't try to conceal a Christmas tree about your person. Ask to "see it in the light" then run away with it.

Take clothes into a changing cubicle. Remove the monkey hidden in your backpack, put the clothes in the backpack, give it to the monkey - and he runs out. (Remember to give the monkey his cut.)

Men. In a jewelry store ask a female assistant to model a gold ring for you. Then propose to her and ask her to pay for it.

In a bookstore pose as a top author. Pretend to find typos in a copy of "your" book. Demand all copies and say you're taking them "to be pulped." (This works best if you pretend to be Jonathan Franzen.)

OR: periodically visit a series of bookstores. Steal a book one page at a time.

Wear a Carmen Miranda style hat decorated with fake fruit to a fruit shop. Surreptitiously replace the fake fruit with real fruit. (NB: only works if you can find very cheap fake fruit.)

Cushions make a thoughtful gift. In a furniture store, casually sit on a chair with a display cushion. Little do they know: you are wearing the classic "false-bottomed bottom" which can also accommodate towels and small ornaments.

The women who serve at make-up and perfume counters are, in fact, thickly-painted ceramic shells with tiny, blind old women inside. Help yourself.

Finally, one very important general tip:

To remain inconspicuous as Christmas approaches, ensure you are increasingly drunk while shoplifting.